girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
