I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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