White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
