I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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