remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
