she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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