do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
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The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
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How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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