Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
