Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
