Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
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did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
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I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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