Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
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Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
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I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck