Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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