I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
