Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
