Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
