she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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