I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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