i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
