she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
