I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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