...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.