I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME