The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
