i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere