Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.