I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
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His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
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I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?