Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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