if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
