im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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