everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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