Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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