The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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I need you to use more vowels.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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