You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
someone owes me an orgasm
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Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
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The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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