Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
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He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
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She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear