I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
This gyro tastes like lonliness
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
When did we convert life to cartoon?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.