Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
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I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
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I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i think my cat just said my name.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know