So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.