so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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