I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
