Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
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Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
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Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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