God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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