woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out