I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?