Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
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david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.