i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
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I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card