If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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