my phone needs a breathalizer
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
