I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.