i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!