i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize