i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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