hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We talked him into tasing himself.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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