I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Randomize
