everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
