it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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