I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
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Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
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Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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