he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
