We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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