Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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