my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
