im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave