I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I forgot wine drunk hurts